<3

Just some things that need to be said,

I don’t expect any of you to actually read this, let alone care. But just for my peace of mind, I need to get some things off my chest, so why not rant on tumblr?

First of all, words cant even describe how screwed up I’ve been lately. The reason? Once again, I get screwed over by a stupid boy. This time, however, might quite possibly be the worst. When you factor in everything leading up to this, what happened and the end result (which is still in process) I can’t think of a time I’ve been more hurt. I realize, that I’m stupid and rushed into things. But, at the time, I was in a bad place, fell for lies and was influenced by everyone and everything around me. No one else is to blame though, no one but me. I gave a part of myself away, a part that no matter what, I’ll never be able to get back. I just thought the person would care, but once again I thought wrong. I realize the situation could be worse, and that what I’m feeling is no where near ‘love’ but because of everything that happened, emotionally and otherwise, moving on is hard. 

All of this is just bringing back up old insecurities. I’ve never been a super confident person. I’ve never been completely satisfied with myself. Years of guys and everyone else making me feel like I wasn’t good enough have led a part of me to believe that I’m not. No matter how many people try to convince me otherwise, all I can do is smile and say ‘thank you’. It’s so hard to go out with friends and not feel ‘pretty enough’ Talk is cheap, actions speak louder, and countless people have showed me otherwise. It’s always me or other girls and in the end, it’s always the other girls that win.

I love my friends, all of them. While this whole experience has showed me who my ‘true friends’ are, and I am beyond grateful for them, I feel like such a burden to them. I don’t like crying to people, I don’t like dumping my problems on them. I feel like thats all I’ve been doing lately. Even when I do, they all have the same things to say “things will be okay” “you just need to get over it, youll be fine” “you can do better” “Hes just an asshole” “one day you’ll look back and ask yourself why you cared” but thats the thing. They DON’T know how I feel. It’s more than one issue I’m dealing with. I can’t ‘just get over it’. If I can do better, why do I get screwed over by EVERY guy? Yes, he is an asshole, that I know. Yet, after everything thats happened, I can’t bring myself to hate him. No, one day I won’t look back and ask myself why I cared. It’s nothing I regret, at all. It’s something I’ll look back on and always remember, but it’s also something I’ll look back on and still wonder why things ended the way they did. 

I honestly don’t even know what to think/feel anymore. Too much is going on at once. Im hurting, that much is obvious, and faking a smile is getting harder and harder. I just want an escape, a getaway. No one understands how badly I need this mini vacation right now. I’m just praying its not a temporary solution for a more serious problem. I’m tired of feeling this way. I want to be happy again. genuinely happy. 

like I said, I doubt anyone will read this, but I just needed to get all this off my chest.

kaybai.

Oh and some current songs on repeat pretty much summing up my life right now:

Story of us-Taylor Swift

Break your heart- Demi Lovato

7 Things-Miley Cyrus 

*theres more, I just cant think of them